Death Sacks and Eco Gnomes

Sweet hell. There are so many things in this day and age that we, as global citizens, must keep a level of vigilance about. My biggest dilemma is to bag or not to bag when I’m purchasing a small number of items.

I know, I know. The answer is to buy and use the reusable bags. I do buy them. I even intend to use them. Please understand, I have the attention span of a 10 year old boy that just got his first Xbox. Only I’m 44. And its a PS3.

So I need to do better about not accumulating vicious plastic bags that, if left to their own devices, could very well float haplessly through the air, only to find a target, engulf their face and suffocate them to death for no other reason than it can. That IS why plastic bags are wrong these days, yeah?

When I do forget, I don’t just throw them away, mind you. I use them to clean up dog poop (as mentioned here)

This posh neighborhood of mine won’t pony up for recycle pick up and its annoying at the very least. Our neighborhood even sounds elitist-The Avenues. Not just any avenue, THE very in fact Avenues. I know I could find recycling stations that employ those wonderful recycling gnomes that we tell our kids about on Earth Day (I’ve never seen one but I tip my pointy hat to you sirs!) but alas, this I also have not done.

So we’ve established that I am socially and environmentally conscious but lack concentration, follow through and any practical explanation as to why plastic bags with wanderlust arbitrarily kill people. That being the case, there has to be some kind of formula for when it is acceptable to ask for a bag a checkout.

Cashiers thus far have been no help in offering a solution to my theory of acceptable bagging. I’ve dropped a liter of Mountain Dew, two cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart, a pack of gum, a sleeve of saltines, one role of single ply toilet paper, a scented tree for my car and a bottle of Pepto 5 on the counter and after paying, I’ve been stared down by dreadlocked hippy eyes when I ask for a bag (their eyes don’t have dreads per say, but where the eyebrow begins and the squishy center of the eye proper ends is anyone,s guess).

Conversely, I’ve checked out with a candy bar and only one or two Dew products and had the same part time starter for Team Captain Planet throw my items in a bag when clearly I could stuff my pockets and be just fine.

I’m getting extremely mixed signals. What are the rules to this dance and who, for almighty green living fucks sake, is leading? I don’t want to offend the delicate feelings of any right to lifer’s that may have lost someone due to a rogue plastic bag and a stalwart breeze. I also don’t want to drop my implements of caffeinated well being, nor run out of recycled satchels for my dogs excremental creations.

Everyone knows the world is a mess. I side neither with the eco Bob the Builder’s that believe we can bring it back, nor with the Orange is the new POTUS deniers that a problem exists. It is a mess. I’m going to give it to my kids just like my parents gave it to me and make sure they have plenty of plausible deniability bed time stories to share with my grandkids so they can sleep well knowing it was already shit when the hand off took place.

Nope, I’m neutral. I just want to slug back Mountains of Dew, keep my guard up for recycle gnomes and despot flying sacks and pray that it all falls apart soon. I can almost here Jesus know, speaking with a voice of angelic thunder and dripping with implication, “Kids? Did you clean up your room?”.

Dad’s gonna be pissed.

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